First, you're seriously so tired. And then, "they" tell you:
Have a natural labor. Get an epidural. There's no shame in having a c-section. Doctors just do c-sections because they're convenient. Inductions after 39 weeks are safe. Babies come when they're ready. Don't force it.
Hold the baby. Put the baby down. Let the baby nurse to sleep to comfort them. Don't let the baby nurse to sleep; they will never learn to go to sleep on their own. Sleep when the baby sleeps. Take time for yourself. Don't worry about cleaning. You can clean when your kids are older. Don't leave small things on the floor because the baby will eat them.
Don't give the baby a pacifier. Give the baby a pacifier.
Babies were not meant to sleep alone. You should co-sleep. The baby should sleep in his crib. The baby should sleep in your room in a bassinet.
Teach the baby to sleep with normal household noise. Get a white noise machine to drown out noise.
You should put the baby in his bed when he is drowsy but awake. Letting your baby cry himself to sleep will cause him to have trust issues. You are a monster. It's okay to let the baby cry for a few minutes; he may fall back to sleep on his own. You should go in immediately when he starts crying to soothe him before he really wakes up and gets mad. Let the baby to nurse to sleep.
Breastfeeding is best. If you're doing it right, it won't hurt. Give the baby a bottle at night so your spouse can help you. Wait until 3 weeks to introduce a bottle. There's nothing wrong with formula. Breastmilk has everything your baby needs. Breastmilk is low in vitamin D and iron so give breastfed babies vitamin drops.
No TV before 1 year. No TV before 2 years. Let your older child watch TV so you can doze beside while the baby is napping. No TV ever if you want your kids to learn how to read. You should teach your kids how to use technology because it's a part of the world we live in.
Let your baby nap in a swing. Let your baby nap in a baby carrier. Your baby should only sleep in his crib.
Stay home with your kids. If you stay home, your kids will grow up thinking women can only cook, clean, and care for children.
Have a bedtime routine that includes a warm, relaxing bath and books. Only bathe your baby 1-2 times a week.
(But hey, good luck. Don't forget to save money for all the therapy they will need as a result of your screw-ups.)
Yep. Let your kids be kids and play outside. Don't let your children out of your sight because that is when they'll get kidnapped. 7 year olds should do extra math work 4 evenings a week because "new math" doesn't teach the true necessities. Here are 4 websites for extra academic work. Don't let your kids use technology. Don't feed your child anything artificial or you will give them cancer. Clean your house too much and you will give your child food allergies. Vacuum every day to prevent asthma. Put pressure on your kids to strive for academic/athletic/robotic greatness. Put pressure on your kids and they will become suicidal. And don't forget, one year of private college is up to $65K. One year. So, pinch those pennies while you are buying all organic food. Parents are under constant fire and scrutiny in a sick world where it's easy to feel like a failure. Keep doing an amazing job, Betsy and Ryan. And "they" can kiss it.
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