Thoughts.

This is a post that I have had in the back of my mind since I started considering writing a blog, but I wasn't ever sure that I would write it, because I don't really know that it's my place to discuss it; however, after a conversation with a colleague at school today about her to-be-grandbaby, I decided to draft it. 

Before Ryan and I learned we were expecting, I thought a lot about the possibility that we wouldn't be able to conceive, or that we would have trouble doing so.  I know several couples who have or are still going through this, so when I thought about myself going through that same roller coaster, I almost didn't even want to "officially" try.  I had emotionally guarded myself, and wouldn't let myself get excited at the thought of getting pregnant.  We didn't tell anyone that we were really trying.  I asked a hundred questions at my yearly doctor's visit about conceiving, what her suggestions were, what would happen if we ran into problems.  When Ryan and I would discuss it, I would always ask, "but, what if it doesn't happen? Are we really ready for that?"  In my mind, I convinced myself that this would be our struggle, because my sister went through this before conceiving their first, because maybe my good luck would finally run out, because maybe I was too small to carry a healthy baby, because...a million reasons, some rational, some not.  Needless to say, my first reaction after seeing that little blue plus sign was surprise. (And, then, yes, all-out-elation, confusion, fear, love, hope, and everything else.)

We are very blessed.

When we are young, we think that when we want to have a baby, we will. We don't think about what that really entails - it's almost as if we'll entertain the thought, make a decision, have a cute baby bump, and then a tiny bundle to take home and rock to sleep.  No one ever imagines this - but odds are that many will have difficulty.  It is not fair that some people can conceive accidentally without thinking about it for a minute while some try for years with no luck, not fair that people lose babies they never really got a chance to meet, not fair that some children grow up with neglectful or abusive parents when there are thousands of couples who would give anything to have a baby to love and raise.  I say "life's not fair" a lot to my students without thinking twice, but really - life's not fair - and I can only imagine the anger and frustration that couples going through this feel.

The light at the end of the tunnel is that, with a lot of faith and patience, many couples do wind up with happy, healthy children through adoption, fertility treatments, or sometimes just a little extra luck sent down from Someone a lot more powerful than ourselves.  Others don't, and they wind up shaping the world in other ways, which, though different than their original plans, is perfectly wonderful and meaningful, too.

So, I guess what I'm saying is, as I sit here awaiting the hopefully happy and healthy arrival of my own little one, I am thinking of all of you who are wishing for the same.